The night is always darkest before the Dawn.
Yesterday was a very strange, fluctuating day for me.
The morning was rife with insecurity and sadness, to the point where I felt like crying. Nothing particularly bad had happened to me, no injuries sustained or traumatic event over the weekend was suffered. Emotional turmoil, I could argue it was. Turmoil brought on by my own hypothetical thoughts; these scenarios I was thinking of had not even happened.
I scare myself often with my capacity to imagine dread and inflict it upon myself as if it were happening in the moment. The pain of losing a friend, family member, the thought of having horrific accidents come and inflict harm to me, these thoughts come and go all the time and I get frustrated with the lack of strength to realize that these ridiculous notions will never happen.
Mostly.
There are some however, that are either very likely to be true, or they are. One such example is my 'Bae'... I am not sure what else I could call him without using a name. Three years we have been 'Baes' through the internet, we have shared many personal details, indulged some naughty conversations and secrets and generally, have made each other smile with either humour or some other loving emotion. Recently however, the past few months his tenderness has decreased. I no longer hear a genuine "I love you" from him, just sarcastic remarks and dirty implications. I would not mind so much if the implications were made in a sweet way, but they aren't.
I keep trying to give him some digital kisses or sweet embraces as best I can, but the response is always either being shrugged away, a complete change of topic or no response at all. Every time I ask for a little tenderness between us I get laughed at and he continues to joke away, it is not a particular kind of wit I am enjoying. Truthfully, it makes me upset to think that these sarcastic remarks could possibly be genuine, am I worth that little? True we get commissions of our Roleplay characters made, and that costs real money but I cannot help but feel like a friend with benefits, instead of someone genuinely cared for. :c
Without my 'Bae', what else do I have? I have my two friends, one whom I would consider my other 'Bae'. as she has been there for me, loves me as a friend and I love her back as a friend, I could trust her with anything. Yet the other friend, lovely a person as she is, I often feel... Intimidated by her. It may sound silly, I know, but tone is difficult to discern in the virtual world, so her sentences and polite requests often make me think that I have irritated her slightly, which then frightens me because I am awkward and dislike making people unhappy.
It could be worse.
Often a line used by lonely and depressed people. "It could be worse." A means of coping with your own frustrations and concerns, because you distract yourself with the knowledge that out there in this big world, someone else has it far worse than you do. A co-worker's mother died of cancer yesterday morning, a neighbour also died of cancer last weekend, whose funeral is today. The people closest to them have it way more than I do. As Nik Kershaw said: Wouldn't it be good to be in your shoes, grass is always greener over there. Wouldn't it be good if we could live without a care?
The afternoon at least was entertaining. I had some fun roleplay in the evening but at work my Team Leader got scolded by the Company Owner, who happens to be his own father. He caught his son playing Pac-Man on his phone whilst everyone else is busy working (myself included) and he let out a barrage at him, it was very amusing to see my Team Leader stand there helpless, FINALLY getting scolded for idling on his phone during working hours.
That pretty much made my day.
Not a very large or fortuitous circumstance to befall me, but it was an enjoyable one nonetheless, I giggled quite a bit. :3
I think I can conclude it here, thank you for your time Reader(s). ♥
I'll just pop this in right here for the previous quote mention.
The morning was rife with insecurity and sadness, to the point where I felt like crying. Nothing particularly bad had happened to me, no injuries sustained or traumatic event over the weekend was suffered. Emotional turmoil, I could argue it was. Turmoil brought on by my own hypothetical thoughts; these scenarios I was thinking of had not even happened.
I scare myself often with my capacity to imagine dread and inflict it upon myself as if it were happening in the moment. The pain of losing a friend, family member, the thought of having horrific accidents come and inflict harm to me, these thoughts come and go all the time and I get frustrated with the lack of strength to realize that these ridiculous notions will never happen.
Mostly.
There are some however, that are either very likely to be true, or they are. One such example is my 'Bae'... I am not sure what else I could call him without using a name. Three years we have been 'Baes' through the internet, we have shared many personal details, indulged some naughty conversations and secrets and generally, have made each other smile with either humour or some other loving emotion. Recently however, the past few months his tenderness has decreased. I no longer hear a genuine "I love you" from him, just sarcastic remarks and dirty implications. I would not mind so much if the implications were made in a sweet way, but they aren't.
I keep trying to give him some digital kisses or sweet embraces as best I can, but the response is always either being shrugged away, a complete change of topic or no response at all. Every time I ask for a little tenderness between us I get laughed at and he continues to joke away, it is not a particular kind of wit I am enjoying. Truthfully, it makes me upset to think that these sarcastic remarks could possibly be genuine, am I worth that little? True we get commissions of our Roleplay characters made, and that costs real money but I cannot help but feel like a friend with benefits, instead of someone genuinely cared for. :c
Without my 'Bae', what else do I have? I have my two friends, one whom I would consider my other 'Bae'. as she has been there for me, loves me as a friend and I love her back as a friend, I could trust her with anything. Yet the other friend, lovely a person as she is, I often feel... Intimidated by her. It may sound silly, I know, but tone is difficult to discern in the virtual world, so her sentences and polite requests often make me think that I have irritated her slightly, which then frightens me because I am awkward and dislike making people unhappy.
It could be worse.
Often a line used by lonely and depressed people. "It could be worse." A means of coping with your own frustrations and concerns, because you distract yourself with the knowledge that out there in this big world, someone else has it far worse than you do. A co-worker's mother died of cancer yesterday morning, a neighbour also died of cancer last weekend, whose funeral is today. The people closest to them have it way more than I do. As Nik Kershaw said: Wouldn't it be good to be in your shoes, grass is always greener over there. Wouldn't it be good if we could live without a care?
The afternoon at least was entertaining. I had some fun roleplay in the evening but at work my Team Leader got scolded by the Company Owner, who happens to be his own father. He caught his son playing Pac-Man on his phone whilst everyone else is busy working (myself included) and he let out a barrage at him, it was very amusing to see my Team Leader stand there helpless, FINALLY getting scolded for idling on his phone during working hours.
That pretty much made my day.
Not a very large or fortuitous circumstance to befall me, but it was an enjoyable one nonetheless, I giggled quite a bit. :3
I think I can conclude it here, thank you for your time Reader(s). ♥
I'll just pop this in right here for the previous quote mention.
